Wednesday, 1 May 2019

Embracing The Pursuit of Motherhood

Today I've decided today is the day that I've had enough. Enough of apologising for being infertile. Enough of the self loathing and enough of feeling scared and worried. 

It's time to embrace the pursuit of motherhood and I'm more than ready. 

Infertile. Quite frankly a word I never thought I'd use to describe myself. I never thought in a million years I'd have a fertility problem. I spent the majority of my teen years dreading two lines to now be faced with a permanent one... a BFN, constantly. It's funny that over the last few years, where people joke about my pessimistic outlook or say 'look on the bright side' and literally I am getting negatives all the time. 

It hurts. I have a rollercoaster of feelings and thoughts constantly running around my head on repeat. I feel stuck between there is so much support and information out there on the web, good old Doctor Google and support in #ttc communities yet there is the denial, anger and actually lack of support and information from the actual NHS and people I know IRL #justrelax (I think all TTC couples could be millionaires off of the phrase 'Just relax') 

I want to educate myself on everything. Every possible outcome. Every possible solution. Yet when I do it sends me into a spiral of feeling light headed over medical terms (suffered with this since school yet somehow managed an A in Biology ... ironic) and also then scares me into a new 'worst possible scenario'... such as 'I've never had an operation how on earth would I be consciously sedated if I go through IVF'.  I want to eat uber healthy and consume all of the fertile goodness to make my eggs and my body good again ... for like 1% of the time as the rest of the time when that glimmer of hope is there, I am being batted down by the demons and actually I just want a McDonalds and Diet Coke.

I've spent the past four months in a black hole. I'd debated whether to share this 'journey' on here at all as really and truly I feel sad. I feel sad about a lot of things in my future at the moment, but I am hoping with time and making changes, things will change. I've also found a lot of comfort in the literal hundreds of Instagram accounts I've found, podcasts I've listened to and books I've read over the past few months so I figured maybe it was time to be honest too and who know's where it will take me or who it might help. 

I've spent the first half of this year hiding. I've felt really embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I couldn't write. I didn't want to write. I didn't want to share. I think my last Instagram photo was the 26th January which seems like a silly thing to say but I love visually sharing my day.  I love engaging with other people. I've literally been lurking... I've been following loads of new accounts in the TTC community, but been unable to communicate or know what to say. I've seen events with leading voices in the community but not had the guts to go - which has been disappointing as even though I've been anxious about networking with this blog before, I'd be in London all the time last year going to different events without a worry in the world. I want to get back to the old be but be a new me  ... does that make sense? 

So here's to no more hiding and fully embracing this challenge and coming out on top. Here's to chasing motherhood 
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