Wednesday, 21 October 2020

Hey Jude ...

Say hello to my ray of sunshine ... Jude. 

It's been a long & bumpy road which included years of infertility, a traumatic birth which meant we both have had a complex time when it came to our recovery and my postpartum period. My mental and physical health and wellbeing has gone on a rollercoaster over the past few months for a wide variety of reasons. 

Generally, other than telling immediate family & those who saw us in person, I didn’t ‘announce’ I was pregnant. After infertility you know every day pregnant is a blessing; we felt so lucky to be pregnant and didn’t want anything to go wrong and then have to face telling people if it did. Our pregnancy went fairly smoothly; the birth for a variety of reasons unfortunately did not follow the same path which I'll share at a later date.

Throughout pregnancy being in our own little bubble, I actually was the least anxious and most naturally happy I had been in years; during this time, I found myself falling back in love with writing, photography, scrapbooking & content creating. The first blog I ever read at age sixteen, and subsequently one of my all time favourite content creators was a motherhood blog. I decided quite early on in my pregnancy that I wanted to use this space to document my motherhood experiences. Once I'd given birth, the trauma I'd experienced created a block and all the posts I'd previously scheduled and prepped I'd lost confidence in and was too scared to hit publish on and the mere thought of writing a text message let alone a social media post left me feeling numb.

This quote by Jack Canfield, pretty much sums it all up for what my reality is right now: 

Think of a car driving through the night The headlights only go a hundred to two hundred feet forward, and you can make it all the way from California to New York driving through the dark, because all you have to see is the next two hundred 

feet. And that's how life tends to unfold before us. If we just trust that the next two hundred feet will unfold after that, and the next two hundred feet will unfold after that, your life will keep unfolding. And it will eventually get you to the destination of whatever it is you truly want, because you want it. 

I've come back to this quote through dark times throughout my life. Right now I'm focusing on the next two hundred feet; I get to spend my days with Jude which I absolutely love. He is an absolute dream to be around, is always smiling & is my constant in my life. Jude is named after a family member who stayed strong and positive through the hardest challenges. The idea for his name came to me at my lowest point during my hospital stay, and once I'd decided on the name, the rain stopped and the sun started shining (quite literally too); I am determined to pick myself back up and make not only her proud, but myself proud. While I navigate my recovery after birth trauma, however long that may take, I know I have Jude to get up and keep going for. 

Moving forward, on this space there'll be a mixture of personal accounts alongside curated content surrounding pregnancy, motherhood & mental health. Some content was written during pregnancy and some afterwards. I have also set up a separate Instagram account @motherhoodcombined to document all things Jude and all our adventures. I did contemplate going offline completely, however remembered my  cognitive behavioural therapist discussing with me last year when I was having CBT that doing the things you enjoy and love as often as you can, make a huge difference to your everyday mental wellbeing... I've always wanted to write and I've always wanted to share motherhood. There will never be a 'right' time to do it and I also know from writing about my mental health recovery last year, it helped others. 

I thought I'd end this with one of my favourite pages from Charlie Macksey's book, 'The Boy, the mole, the fox and the horse' which was lent to me as a much needed pick me up; 

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